Callan's Kicks

00:17 The chilling message arrived by email. In times by God it was a phone call with a recognised code word followed by five minutes to get out. An email chain is a tad disappointing perhaps, especially arriving amidst the sort of mails that RTE is subscribed to, which include rat catchers, tracksuit shops and Twink's late, late show appeals. They go straight to junk, to be fair. Mercifully, the Russians gave RTE 45 minutes to evacuate. Gordy were initially concerned that canteen fridges were hacked when they saw the contents until reassured that, no, the salads always look like that in here. 00:54 Gorda Under-Commissioner Feikla Magyla Fehekel was on the scene. Our members responded promptly to the bomb threat alert from an email entitled Message to the West. However, Gorday are satisfied that Russians are as yet unaware of the existence of Mayo, so there is no cause for further alarm there, just as well since the town of Kesselbar has been uncontactable since late July. Some of our armed response unit initially ascertained that an explosion had taken place and devastated the campus until we cleared some rubble 01:27 and discovered the radio centre underneath some routine detritus. 01:32 There was high praise for the quick evac of RT, especially of the television building, where there wasn't a soul to be seen. Although, to be fair, it's only used once or twice a week these days and just for a few hours and goes sleepy snoozy time across the summer. But to the right of me now, the creche was emptied in a truly frightening experience due to the risk of the nannies there having over 12 followers on social media. And so had the evac lasted any longer, they were in deadly danger of being offered a presenting gig on 2FM. 02:03 To the left of me, a gorgeous special unit searched every basement and attic space for devices and any highly flammable substances, but they could not locate the tubs of Marty Morrissey's herd. We are satisfied at the present time that it was a hoax, though we are following a definite line of inquiry regarding the ticking time bomb that is RTE's podcast recruitment process. And now colleague Michal Lehan is with me in the freezing cold of this evacuation. What can you tell us? 02:34 A disturbing day for Montrose, Barry. I did reach out to the Director General, Kevin Backhurst, but he'd lost his voice and there are real concerns that he's been hacked. 02:42 Like a super value fridge. And that bad actors might be hoping to manipulate him into not outsourcing fair city. Elsewhere, news talk, media house has also been affected, but what a virgin media Ireland, Michal. Well, they were not included on the email chain and are quietly furious that they may not have been important enough to blow to bits. But there is a belief that they would not have evacuated anyway, as it happened during Ireland AM. This is because Alan Hughes is terrified to leave the building in case station bosses slip in Brendan Courtney to replace him. 03:14 Fair. 03:14 And Alan Hughes has said he's prepared to go down with the ship in flames if necessary, presenting an item on homemade Findus Crispy Pancakes. 03:23 It should be noted how quickly Sarah McInerney absconded from Morning Ireland when the situation escalated from a minor studio inconvenience to DEFCON 1. Absolutely. You just don't get the same loyalty in this place as the old stock of RTE, Michal. Indeed, Ray Darcy and Tuberty would have hurled themselves on the detonating fireball just to get five more minutes on air in Montrose. 03:43 It should also be noted, Barry, that if the Russians are involved, the targeting of Aer Lingus, RTE and the Evening Herald offices might indicate some sort of watch list dating from the Cold War era. 03:54 Interesting. So Gordie should be on alert for warnings being sent to defunct entities like Century Radio, Air Reinta and Ronan Collins. Normal service has now resumed, so I will see you back on the telly to report on the Fine Gael Ardèche, Michal. Indeed. Which would need a bomb scare to bring a bit of life to it. It's live from the University College of Cork. Ah, so Simon Harris finally did go back to college. Barry Linehan, we're going to need a bigger coat. RTE News. 04:29 Well, tonight's count begins in Vermont with predictions indicating a difficult night ahead for the Republican Party. 04:36 Here we go, Maleficent. 04:38 Melania. 04:39 It's election night, my favorite. Are Republicans going to win? Not them. They're not going to win anything. I'm going to win because I picked all the best people like Ken Paxton. Who doesn't love Ken Paxton? Who doesn't love a wife cheater laden with corruption claims? I picked the best people. 04:54 They say difficult night, no? No. 04:56 The pollsters thought Crazy Kamala would win two years ago, remember that? But now she's a wine mom, forever associated with a demented old man. I can totally relate. Now where's my golden remote? I can't hear Fox over the ballroom renovations. They're adding extra marble columns. 05:14 I'm so happy I don't live here. 05:16 Huge phallic metaphors. No one's ever seen columns like these things in the room. 05:21 Getting you up to date, the latest news is the Democrats have taken Texas. They've got the governors. Texas. Unbelievable. It's a blue state, Mr. President. A blue-haired state. This is looking bad, Pete. It's so bad. 05:32 Maybe I'll put another tariff on Canada to cheer myself up. 05:35 Such a good idea. I'm going to fire some generals, sir. 05:37 Yeah. I said no beardos, no weirdos, no Tallaricos. 05:41 On the bright side, once this humiliating round is over, we can get back to doing what we truly love, Pete. 05:46 Fighting for conservative Christian America. 05:48 Well, I was going to say, bomb Iran again. Oh. You know, to light up the insider trading WhatsApp groups, but not a bad idea to have the God Squad on side. 05:57 Well, Lindsey Graham's sister was such a flop. Didn't you choose her, sir? 06:02 Who knows, but she's not half the girl Lindsey was. Bless him in his fiery reward. 06:07 Rest in pires. We need a miracle, Secretary Pete. Somebody repost that photo of me as Jesus. I'm so on it right now. I'm so on it. 06:14 And somebody give me a bowl of Doritos, you know, the ones that are the same color as my face. I'm going to eat those until I can't hear them. 06:21 The Democrats have flipped seven seats and taken control of the House of Representatives. It is the worst defeat for the Republicans in 50 years of United States politics. 06:31 Man, democracy sucks. Wow, we're behind in Mississippi. That's a surprise. Like, that's the place that does all the best racism in tremendous amounts. They didn't even vote for my idiot. I give up on this ungrateful country. I really do. Yeah. 06:44 Democrats have taken everything, the House and Senate. They took my house. 06:49 Man. You know, this feels like a divorce, only this time there was no hush money for women who were fives out of ten at best, believe me. 06:56 Sir, they've even elected a Muslim senator. All is lost. The holy war has begun. 07:00 Secretary Hanks has put your shirt back on. Look. John Hustad may have lost in Ohio, but he'd win rear of the year. That's all that matters to me. Did Nicki Minaj win a seat, by the way? No. We're going to need a bigger seat for that, honey. Believe me. 07:13 She wasn't running. What? But she might be now to get away from you, just like J.D. Vance is. 07:18 My slimy vice president can U-turn in any direction. That's the downside to making your running mate somebody without a spine. 07:25 Man, I can't believe the American people have finally turned against you, sir. 07:28 What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with me. The Republicans lost. Okay. I have never lost. Well, you didn't say pretend it's me on the ballot. 07:36 I'll give you $5,000, you said. What? 07:38 I'll defund Israel, you said. 07:40 That's right, sir. You did. Look, I wasn't on the ballot. I was on the john. Ew. Sending DMs to the insider trading groups. We got to delete everything, boys. That's what I wrote. It's true. And then I hit reply all. Wow. So many self-dealing groups to delete and exit before the house oversight attacks begin. 07:57 That's it, man. Game over, man. Game over. What the freak are we going to do now, man? What are we going to do? I don't know. 08:05 Build a fire? Maybe sing some songs? What? Get a grip on yourself, Hanky. 08:09 Sir, they can investigate us now. Please. 08:11 I've been, like, impeached twice already. In fact, if I get two more, I'm going to get a free coffee. We just need to pin all of this on the nearest moron who cut out his soul and gave it to me. It's not my fault. 08:23 Game over, man. 08:24 Thank you for your service, King's Breath. Door! What a loser. 08:28 What are you going to do, Donald? What? They're going to investigate the family billions. 08:33 Quiet, Milanka. I'm asking Chet GPT how to convert crypto meme coin into porn star NDA money. 08:40 You're a lame Donald Duck. Shush, shush, shush. Democrats can make legislation to crush you. And I'll veto it all. 08:47 For the next two years, honey, call me Vito Carleone. Vito Carleone. 08:54 What is the latest news on the strikes? Unfortunately, public sector workers have chosen to be affected by the cost of living crisis. We even offered to throw the younger union members under the bus. Right. Like they agreed to in 2011 and they still said no. The union say the deal offered was too low, Taoiseach. Sorry now, there was a nearly 8% rise on the table next to a platter of hard-boiled eggs and celery. There's no pleasing these fellas. 09:16 It would only amount to a less than 2% hike for two months of this year while inflation runs at 4%. 09:22 Stop the blackguarding with the facts and the figures now. The public sector unions are hell-bent with venom. With venom and ruining my Big Mickey summit of 50 world leaders next week. It's a disgrace. 09:31 They feel you don't understand the struggle for nurses, teachers and guards. 09:35 Sorry now, you think I don't know about struggle. I've been in Fianna Fáil since the 1980s. 09:39 Since the time half of Cork thought I lost my hair from the acid rain scare. I've sat through dinner dances where the air was thick with the smell of brute 33. Getting spittle flecked by men whose fingernails look like they've been used to dig a grave. I've had to listen to fellas called Ned explaining the Maastricht Treaty with Egmene's Brett. No, no, no. I'm not missing my moment on the European stage. Not for anything. Not after all I've been through. 10:02 What do you say to those who say this is just showboating in an informal gathering with no meaning? 10:07 This is Ireland's chance of realigning the very chakra of Europe, with me at the helm of the EU presidency, holding a teapot of green herbals. How dare these union leaders ban Jax this? The court of them? Mostly men with faces on them like a damp son of the Independent? 10:20 Come on, there's a lot of criticism that you're shutting down the entire capital city for a day just for a photo op. 10:25 Is it a crime to want a nice photo with all the European leaders, plus Mark Carney and his lovely hair? Can't sift to just wait a few more weeks to go marching and demand time and a half for people who spit shine photocopiers in some dreary intro office next to a bookie's? 10:38 People are concerned about the disruption to vital services during another strike. 10:42 Well, they should have thought of that before booking into a hospital in the path of a motorcade. What? This is happening come hell or high dough. We are receiving the greatest honour of all. 10:50 What's that? Pat on the head. From the leaders of countries with economies that don't rely on the sales of iPhones with extra big screens for looking up dirty pictures. Come on now. Who are you most looking forward to being pictured with, Taoiseach? 11:01 Oh, thank you. That's a brilliant question at last. I'd say in terms of President Macron. It could be the last time I'm pictured with a French leader, but he's the one who makes me look seven foot tall in terms of... I won't be standing next to Marine Le Pen at all. No, no, no, no, no. 11:13 And who else, Michal? 11:15 I'd like to cut out the German fella's jib, Friedrich Mertz. He's very trim, very glum. Hated as well in his home country. He's everything I wish to be and more. 11:23 What about the Prime Minister of Spain? 11:25 No, no, no, no. I'll be putting the Spanish lad down towards the back somewhere of the photo. I can't be getting Gaza-mogged in my own house. He's been saying all the same pro-Palestine guff as my government, but he's acting on it. acting on it by criticising the Yanks. No, no, that's not our standard at all at all. 11:39 Will you be speaking to any of the Scandinavian leaders about how they have functioning housing systems? 11:43 Asher, the Scandinavians, they have terrible English altogether. They don't. I wouldn't be able to understand a word and there'd be no point. 11:49 The collapse of Trump's party means a reckoning for people who sucked up to him like the bros of Silicon Valley. Would Ireland be included in that list? 11:55 Look, we'll have none of that talk now. Our position hasn't changed. I'm giving America a frowny face from afar, but smiling maniacally if I find myself within grovelling distance of the president. And I won't be slagging the Silicon Valley lads either. Why? I have a performance review for Meta coming up at the end of the quarter. 12:10 What does the recent hack on super value fridges mean for Irish neutrality? 12:13 Well, we were attacked, plain and simple. Our critical infrastructure assailed. The heating up of our multivitamin milk from full fat to 0%, though I personally prefer the minus 1.5% myself. 12:23 What's minus 1.5%? 12:24 Yeah, it contains a protein that eats into your gut. Very good for tackling stubborn fats around the solar plexus. Stubborn fats. But look, this hack, it was a sickening assault on our very essence. We will respond. We have no choice now but to join NATO. 12:37 Teacher, can this relation to the trip or stop situation at the end? 12:40 If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the dentist to see if they can do anything about giving me a smile that doesn't frighten small children. 12:57 Loyal listeners and subscribers to the Talkin' Balubas podcast. 13:01 Aye. 13:01 You're welcome. Sorry. You're right. Can you just turn off the music, Garen? Okay. This is way too lively for the day that's in it. It's been a tough few days, Talkie. Ladies and gentlemen, we suffered a terrorist attack on our homeland this week. That's Striking at the very heart of all we hold dear. 13:16 Our innocent supermarket fridges and freezers were shot down. 13:19 Thousands of innocent slices of ham, fish fingers, sausage rolls. Take your time doggy. They were just going about their day. You're only human. How could you remain unaffected by the harrowing footage of the mass skip graves of potato waffles? Chicken stuffing saggages! Taken from us before their time. 13:37 As in, they're used by date. 13:39 This was our 9-11. How could we let this happen, people? Why do the fridges have to be online anyways? Tis you! You young people! With your feckin' internet! We mustn't turn on each other, Dahi. The terrorists will win. Sorry, sorry, you're right. That's okay. There will be time to apportion blame. Yes. And that'll be when the 2-11 Commission finishes its final report. 13:58 I had no idea fridges were on the internet. What else is Big Fridge lying to us about? 14:03 How can we ever look the captain in his bird's eye again and trust that his cod has been left to go warm slightly overnight? Or trust that a punnet of coleslaw has been bubbling away like a mayonnaise-y hot tub? I have to say... Thank God the cheese strings and the easy single survived. You see, that's hack-proof dairy. Don't knock it till it's clogged your arteries. You've got messages there from followers. I know. 14:25 Tyler Hunter Walker from Boston says, Tonight, we are all Irish. Supermarket refrigerated foodstuffs. 14:32 Oh, that's beautiful. He's sending his thoughts and prayers, apparently. 14:35 What good are they? Tell him to send chilled liver pate and wafer sliced turkey. Another message here from a follower called Parker Cooper Tucker. Alright. Call your followers Yanks, Garen. 14:44 Just 99%, yeah. They think I'm some sort of giant hobbit. He says never forget who you are. 14:49 I won't. I'm a fellow who likes to pop into the shop in the morning and get a nice cold Cully and Sully chowder from the fridge to wash down my breakfast rotisserie chicken. This is too upsetting. Shall we just wrap it up? Oh God, that's what they say at the deli counter to me. Sorry, we're so emotional. It's all still so raw. They say that too sometimes, but I eat it anyway. Je suis super value. Je suis super value. And we're delicious. I'm pure tasty. That's the same as mine, but I'll let you away with it because you're so upset. 15:27 Hello, everybody. Here we go. The Ardash of my party. 15:33 Fine Gael, you mean. My party. And there's been so much tumult and conjecture. Well, that's because I'm so important. 15:39 Because you made such a whore of us in the polls with the Mick acting and the Patrick bashing. 15:43 Now, now, Peter. It was all part of a plan, you see. Yes. Plan. 15:46 I planned all this to ensure that this weekend my speech at the Ardash is a marquee moment. The eyes of the world. 15:52 Well, the dozen people who've fallen asleep during the big, big movie and left the telly on. The eyes of the world will be on... Where has this thing happened again? Where are we? Tis Cork, Tonister. Oh no. That's where that carer woman shouted at me back in 2024. 16:05 I had no choice but to bravely walk away. 16:07 Pluck, pluck, pluck. You must be so nervous. You look absolutely dreadful, Simon. Have you considered taking a duvet day? No media, no responsibilities, no phones. Definitely no phones. 16:16 Well, look, it's been a difficult few weeks, obviously, with the Patrick O'Donovan situation, but I've shown tremendous leadership. 16:22 I've delegated the entire problem to Peter. Peter Burke. I am now the Minister of Enterprise, Trade and Employment, Arts, Culture, Communications, Media, Sport, and for smack-talking left-handed theatre. 16:34 If you need any help, Peter, I can assist. Oh, dear. 16:37 I love you. 16:38 Don't let Helen near any of those departments. She's only allowed to muck up one portfolio at a time. 16:43 I'm going to amalgamate responsibilities so I'm looking forward to the RTE Memorial Data Centre. 16:48 Give it a rest, Peter. Not even the Americans want data centres. So cool the jets on that idea. 16:53 The membership seems confused about what we stand for. I think I agree. I'm not sure. 16:58 Well, what my party needs is an effective slogan. Three words or less. The way the Brits do it. Take back control. Brexit brings Brexit. Stop the boats. Wipe my bottom. That sort of thing. 17:08 Why don't we use a new energy again? 17:11 Oh. Because the minister is in his 40s now and he looks tired and jittery like one of the yuppies taken hostage at the Nakatomi Plaza. 17:18 I will not be made fun of through the medium of a Bruce Willis movie. No, no, no. 17:22 This will be a new, new energy. What? While I was on paternity leave, you see, laying low and saving up all my zip and zing for the ardash, I stored up energy credits that I'm now going to give back to the people. 17:33 Back to them. Don't mention energy credits. No. 17:35 Not since Minister Chambers shafted taxpayers by not offering them off their massive winter bills in the budget. He did? How dare he? He's so commanding. 17:43 Wait, no, I did. 17:43 That was my budget. My budget. I did that. Big decisions. Important decisions. OK, no two energy credits. That's gone. What else? 17:50 The Empire Strikes Back. 17:52 No, no, no, we can't mention strikes. 17:54 Return of the Jedi. 17:55 Helen, get away from Pascal's leftover DVD collection. 17:58 The Force Awakens. 17:59 For goodness, actually, I like that one. Force is authoritarian, but awakens is a play on the word woke. We want to say we're open to dabbling in fascism, but in a chill, relatable way. 18:09 Like the way we're sending private security to patrol the city centre three years after I said Dublin was safe. 18:15 You know what, Helen, take the weekend off. Perhaps I should stand in for Helen at the Argesh and do all the introductions. 18:21 You're in no position, Jennifer. There's one million people on hospital waiting lists. I'm told that's one of the biggest numbers there is, after a jillion and a gazillion. 18:29 But I'd relish a big moment in Cork. CUH is home to my nemesis, fellow CEO Jennifer Carney. She worked in England and is now home, asking for things like staffing and resources that she... Quick, somebody check is Cork near to where Patrick O'Donovan is biding his time. I mean recovering. No. No, he's in Limbrecht, Thanishta. Isn't that the same thing? No. You should say that in your speech, Simon, and enjoy the ardash. It could be your last. Oh, please. If you actually read that opinion poll or had someone summarise it for you with sock puppets like I did, you'd see that Fine Gael voters don't want a new leader. 19:02 They hate change. Change is bad. Change is bad. Why don't you use that as the slogan? That's great work, Peter. Well done. Thank you. OK, everybody out. I've got a TikTok live to do. 19:14 Bang, bang! Wow. 19:19 Good evening, I'm Laura Koonsberg, looking back in a week where the Prime Minister and the King showed how down-to-earth they are by visiting an old slave colony in the Caribbean, not far from Epstein Island. 19:31 Well, our love apologies, me, and for too long we've not done one for slavery. And I promise to people I'm going to think about it, but I want to be honest and clear. We'll not be paying no reparations because I'm for the normal, ordinary, boring, zero distinguishing features people of the north who are now responsible for the slave trade. We made our own tobacco from all shoes we did and we will not apologise for the smell of that neither. 20:00 That's Aunty Burnham. King Charles was on a nine-day visit around the Caribbean, a gruelling work schedule not seen outside of a retired couple's cruise itinerary. The king is under pressure to say sorry for enslavement by the British Empire in history. 20:15 My heart is filled with sadness and suet and from the bottom of it, I am sorry if anyone was offended in any way by slavery. Mistakes were made. Boys will be boys. It was just locker room slave banter. And as for the prospect of paying for past wrongdoings, one is afraid Andrew has rather maxed out the royal credit card purse. 20:46 Soz babes. 20:47 Shortly after that statement, the king was spotted berating a royal aide after getting caught in a torrential downpour with no brawly. Camilla was given an umbrella first, only fuelling those wicked witch rumours further. Charles then found a light-hearted way to laugh about the moment with sweet jocularity, which distracted us all nicely from the slavery unpleasantness. It was rather exposing, like Prince William's scalp during a heatwave. 21:14 One saw one's life flash before one's very eyes, until I realised it was just the reflection from Camilla's diamond serpent necklace. 21:23 Meanwhile, Kellogg's are in hot water, or should I say cold milk, after changing the recipe to Rice Krispies. The recipe changes due to extreme weather affecting the cost of rice supplies, resulting in uproar. The British people don't give a toss about a new offshore oil field in the middle of a climate crisis, but will absolutely go nuts once you change a children's cereal. It's been ages since Nigel Farage has been outraged to the point where his eyeballs turned the colour of cognac, so he's had a go. 21:51 The three white wholesome chaps who live together in the same bowl all these years, but not in a romantic way whatsoever, are being destroyed by DEI. Snap, Crackle and Pop are no more. It's very clear the woke left are taking one of them into custody for the sin of getting amorous with Corny the Rooster from the Corn Flakes. No, no, no, no. And not having this, I will campaign on this very issue when the Prime Minister returns until an undercover ITV crew inevitably reveals footage of a reform operative saying racist things about Tony the Tiger. 22:22 Laura Koonsberg dying for a bowl of crunchy nut after that. BBC News. 22:33 Oh, there they are. Come on over here, my United Left latte pals. I'm in the smug. And you got us coffees. Thank you, Mary Lou. Also, I think you meant to say snug. Welcome to the Schinner Sanctum. No, I mean smug. Thanks to the latest opinion polls, Sinn Féin are rocking the chalk. We're up 2%. Wow. 22:52 Feeling smug. Wow, that means the United Left Alliance is about as popular as Guinness Mid-Strength was just before it was discontinued. Thanks for that, Keane. 23:00 The government is in bits. The country is horny for handouts. Gosh. Who wants a cost of living credit? Spiffing. Who wants a public service pay rise? 23:08 Well, no, that wouldn't amount to careful handling of an unreliable surplus. 23:12 Keane, I swear to God, what have you even done since taking over Holly's sheadership and becoming acting leader? Well, I think I've done a lot... Guys, guys, let's not fight between ourselves. We're not Fine Gael. Though our houses are of similar size and as bougie as a blue shirt. 23:26 Hey, I represent the working class Northsiders of the... You're in Hoth, dear. 23:30 Calling Hoth working class because it's on the Northside. Yeah? It's like describing Monte Carlo as a cancel estate because you can still smell the Nice train station from the helicopter pads. Personally, I think we shouldn't focus on polling numbers so much. Good one, Ivana. 23:44 Yeah, because you'd need to go to Specsavers to detect Labour's result. 23:48 Oh! 3% total. I've seen stronger kombuchas. I just think there are more important issues like the attack on democracy that RT experienced with bomb threats. 23:57 I know Sinead Gibney raced over with blankies to the wimps who went without coffee for an hour and they thought they were in the H blocks. 24:05 Oh, please. The outrageous overrun in the Natural History Museum and the millions wasted is another issue. Shocking. 24:11 The dead suit isn't going to reopen until the 2030s. These are priceless antiquities, fossils, taxidermy of extinct species. Still, gives them plenty of time to watch Labour die, dip it in formaldehyde and string it up next to the stuffed dodo for the reopening. This is enough sniping. We ought to be toasting the US midterm's blue wave. 24:28 It is good to see the opposition somewhere actually winning for once. 24:32 Maybe the world is finally waking up to left-wing ideology. How jolly. I don't know. The lad in Kansas just tapped into anger about tractor fuel prices. 24:40 And the chap who won in Michigan was accused of supporting a terrorist organisation. Wait. What? 24:45 Diesel and links to shadowy forces? Well, there's hope for Sinn Féin in government yet. Have a good weekend, everyone. Good luck, guys. Here's hoping if someone asks me about Sinn Féin's latest bamboozling position on immigration, a bomb scare gets me out of that studio. 25:00 You feel me? You feel me? Mm-hmm. 25:12 Ah, yeah. Hello, the Halloween pumpkins are barely rotting, but already we're surrounded by Christmas lights and ads. Is it all too soon? Frances Brennan, Fintan O'Toole and Michael Harding join me. 25:22 Five days into November and there are towns in the country lit up like the Moulin Rouge. But Frances, isn't it just a bit of joy into our lives, like? Joy, Brendan. There's a bungalow outside Killarney with three inflatable Santas and a plastic snowman the size of a Nissan Micra. 25:33 It looks like a brothel in Lapland. Now we won't be making any judgments on Lapland bordellos. I'm sure they're very professional and well-run establishments. Finch, in your opinion? 25:43 Well, I suppose we're witnessing the capitalist colonisation of a Bible story which heretofore is an apocryphal exploitation of the vulnerably minded to begin with. Yeah but tinsel is cute. Another issue is the three kings are now multinational corporations. Amazon, Apple and Tesco. Although Tesco could also be Herod's either. 26:01 Okay we can't be accusing Tesco of trying to arrest the baby Jesus when there's no one from Tesco here to defend themselves. Also their mince pies are delicious. 26:10 Michael Harding? You see I never understood the need for Christmas lights now Brendan. All right, yeah. Isn't the light of the glowing moon enough? Like when you're going out for firewood in your slippers and you stand like on a slug. What's he talking about? And you realise in the moment this is the squelch of life. 26:27 That's a lot to think about, you know, right enough. 26:29 The sentimental adverts are the pits, Brendan. You can't buy a loaf of bread without being reminded your granny is going to die. Yeah. Lonely pensioners, three-legged dogs. I'm trying to buy a glazed ham here, not have a nervous breakdown. I saw one the other day about a boy and his grandfather. Go on. I wept for three hours. Did you? 26:46 Not because of the advert, but because the internet goes out in Leithroom and Alibaba wasn't loading to buy the shite that it made me want. And that was beautiful. 26:55 Oh, we've lost all class and panache. It is seven weeks away. Have people no patience? When did you put out your Christmas range? First of October, but that's entirely different, Brendan. Why is it different? Because I'm selling quality, fine crystal, tasteful linen, etc. Good hosting requires preparation and the verisimilitude of Protestant bourgeois refinement. You can't just fling a slice of goose onto a paper plate and think you're Edwardian. The irony in all of this, of course, is that the original Christmas was a story of homelessness and poverty. And it's rubbish. 27:21 Yeah, I don't think Mary and Joseph had the option of a Francis Brennan the Collection dinner set, did they? 27:26 Well, at least Herod had a few houses fit for my king-size Yuletide table runner. 27:31 I'd be cancelled, like John the Baptist. 27:33 And you know, in many ways, Christmas is just another earthly reminder that we're all a bit closer to the grave. 27:40 Ah, Jesus, Michael. Right, OK, the watch list is coming up next. 27:43 You've got a watch list, do you? Who's on it? Your man who got the free hideous zippy top from the RT cartel, is it? It's a different sort of watch list, Michael. It used to be secret payments, now it's tracksuits. Even RT's scandal standards have fallen. There's no class. And that's all we've time for.